ramblings, or how to stream your thoughts → Ativan Dreams and other snake oil
There’s a point in life where you realize everyone younger than you just doesn’t have the experience you do. Everyone thinks they’ve hit that point already, but we keep rehashing it every so often. I think it really sinks in when you can also realize that they’ve had more experience as well. Simultaneously, we get defined by the things we’ve done and the dreams we have, both the ones we’ve reached and the ones we’ve failed to. You don’t always get to pick the things you are judged on. Take Sabrina and I. Both still in college way longer than we should have been.
Why does this come up? Because that’s what other people see. Some look at it, see the reasons we are still there, and push degrees/jobs/futures as a reason to move up. Others look at us and write us off as perpetual slackers. We don’t get to pick which one they choose to see.
Got asked by a professor, again, when I’m graduating. I wanted to joke that I’ll get my degree posthumously. Who knows how long I’ll be here, and who knows how long I’ll be able to keep standing and fighting. I do it, because it’s fun. They don’t get that. They want to see a career, published papers, big things. I, frankly, don’t always care about those. I’m not, really, able to look that far ahead. Sabrina tells me she was, once. The way she said ‘once’ tells me she’s not so sure about now, though. It’s, painful, to sit back and have other people able to look further into your own future then you even can.
Which eventually drifted, in the complex web of thoughts my brain calls ‘awake’, to the thought of dating again. I keep hearing about other people’s S-Os. Or the people who tell me much after the fact that they thought about asking me out. I’m not dating. Not for lack of love for my fellow humans. . . wait, there is that. But mostly because the first six months would be spent catching another person up to that ‘this is where my life is at this moment’ point that, frankly, it would ruin the relationship about 5 minutes in. It’s a why-bother situation.
Somewhere, there is a person who would not walk away in disgust after a six month debrief on my life. Whenever they are, I hope they aren’t a solipsist like me.